Hopelessness
by Alexjhag
Summary: It's never just a singular event, but a series of events that build upon each other. It starts with a date and ends with my friends finding me on the cliff side at the Enchanted Lake. My name is Mal, and this is my story. WARNING: Potentially triggering for certain people.


**So apparently I'm getting good at coming up with one-shots in this world while trying to piece together a longer story. This story explores a bit of a darker side. While I love fluff, it just doesn't seem realistic, even in a Disney/fairy tale world that everything would be rainbows and unicorns. So here's another story about how Mal handles the world when the world starts piling up on her. I tried not to be super explicit about anything while making it clear what was happening, so fair warning that this story could be triggering to some.**

* * *

They say depression isn't caused by a single incident, but a series of incidents that build up. Here are the series of incidents in my story. I almost left, almost decided that staying with Ben and my friends, and the rest of Auradon, wasn't worth it.

* * *

_**The Date with Ben**_

I was so excited about tonight's date. I had finally gotten a part time job, working at a cafe not too far from Auradon Prep's campus. I was making my own money and would finally be able to cover a date for me and Ben. I knew Ben didn't mind paying - he had the royal funds to do pretty much anything we wanted to do - but it was a matter of feeling like I was contributing to the relationship. I knew Ben would never see it this way, but I felt like I was just being a leech, letting him put his money into us while I had to consider every penny. But not tonight. Tonight would finally be my night to show Ben that I could be an active part in covering the cost of our dates.

We went to a semi-fancy place - they type of place where jeans and a t-shirt weren't acceptable, but you didn't have to be in a formal suit or a dress. We were having a really nice dinner, enjoying our time together and laughing about the antics of the royal council as they continued their effort to keep more VKs out of Auradon. They were really getting ridiculous. Apparently Phillip had suggested that we shouldn't let more VKs come because it was all part of my grand master plan. Infiltrate the royal family, get Ben to do my bidding, bring over more VKs, take over all of Auradon. Honestly, if I hadn't turned good, it actually wasn't an overly bad plan.

The end of dinner came and the waiter brought us the check. Ben started reaching for his wallet, but I was ready and already had my card in hand. I put it with the check and handed it back to the waiter, who nodded. Ben looked at me, surprised.

"Mal, you didn't have to do that. You know I've got it." Ben said, taking my hand in his.

"I know you do, Ben, but this isn't about if you can afford it. It's about me not feeling like you're the only one who pays for our dates. It's about me feeling like I'm actually giving to our relationship, not just taking." Ben smiled and squeezed my hand.

"You know I don't think like that, Mal. As long as you have a smile on your face at the end of the night, that's all I care about." He was too cute. I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"I know, Ben, but I think it and feel it. So please just allow this to happen." Ben nodded, knowing I wouldn't relent. The waiter came back.

"My apologies, madame, but it would seem your card has been declined." What? No, that couldn't be possible.

"Hang on, let me check." I pulled out my phone and opened my banking app to check my account. Maleficent's horns! I forgot about my phone bill that was due today. That had gone through, and it put me just short of being able to afford tonight's dinner. I checked if there was any way that I could move funds to make it work, but I didn't have anything else. I checked my credit card, but that was close to maxed as well; I'd have to make a payment to them, soon. My face fell. I wanted so badly to pay for tonight.

I heard Ben give his card to the waiter, but I couldn't look up. I couldn't face Ben right now.

"Hey, it's okay. It happens to everyone sometimes."

"Not to you. I just… I wanted to do this."

"I know you did, Mal, and I know how much it meant to you. Don't worry, there will be other dates."

I wasn't so sure. I seemed to live in a constant cycle of being close to completely broke. Once he got his card back, we left the restaurant. I tried to put up a front of being okay, but inside, I felt completely hopeless.

* * *

_**Girls' Night with Evie**_

Monday nights were always girl's night with Evie. It was the one night a week that we had set aside for just us - no Jay and Carlos, no boyfriends, no royal or business duties, just two best friends hanging out, watching sappy movies we both hated, and eating more popcorn and chocolate (or in my case, chocolate covered strawberries) than should have been humanly possible. I looked forward to these nights, because Evie and I rarely got to spend much time together anymore.

At least, I would have looked forward to them if they were still happening.

This made the fourth one in a row that Evie missed. I knew Evie's 4 Hearts was taking off, but this was supposed to be our night. But who was I kidding? Evie always got focused on whatever was in front of her. She had a slight tunnel vision and it made her miss anything that wasn't happening in front of her.

I decided that I wasn't going to waste the movie I rented (some movie called _50 First Dates_) or the strawberries. I popped the movie into the player and watched it, nibbling on the strawberries as the movie went on. It was definitely the kind of movie neither Evie or I would admit enjoying, but was sappy and romantic enough that Evie would have adored it.

Why did I feel like I now had to fight for Evie's time? I know that isn't completely fair, but I didn't think it'd be asking a lot to get one night a week with my best friend.

She came in just as the movie was about to end.

"Hey M!" She said, clearly not realizing what she had missed.

"Hey Evie." I said, intentionally not using her one letter nickname for her best friend. "What've you been up to?"

"Studying with Doug. We have a big test on Thursday and we wanted to make sure that we were ready for it. How's your night been?"

"Fine. Watched a movie and ate chocolate covered strawberries, like I do every Monday night." At that, Evie turned to me, horror on her face.

"Oh no, I did it again, didn't I, M? M, I'm sooooooo sorry! I didn't mean to forget, I swear." Evie said as she sat down on the bed next to me. She had made similar apologies the past times, as well.

"It's fine, E. I get it, the test was important and Doug's a great study partner." I said, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"That's no excuse. I promise I'll make it up to you, somehow."

"Evie, honestly, don't worry about it."

She came over and hugged me, a whirl of blue hair momentarily blinding me. "I love you, M. I know I've been an awful best friend lately, but I really do love you." I wrapped my arms around her.

"I know you do, E, and nothing is going to change that." I told her as my heart sank lower. I hated that I couldn't believe Evie's promises, but I fully expected to be in this exact same spot next week.

* * *

_**Jay and his Tourney**_

Evie may have been forgetful, but Jay has always been there for me. No matter what happened, I knew I could always count on him when I really needed him. And now I was starting to really need him. Between the disaster with Ben and being abandoned by Evie, I needed him to cheer me up like only he could.

"Hey Jay!" I called, seeing him across the courtyard in front of Auradon Prep. He stopped and waved when he saw me. I caught up to him.

"What up, Mal?" He asked, Tourney stick in hand.

"Could we talk? I...I've been having a bit of a bad time." I admitted. I normally wouldn't admit to struggling, but Jay had been with me through the worst the Isle could throw at me. If I couldn't admit it to him, I couldn't admit it to anyone. He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Now's not really a great time, Mal. I've got Tourney practice. We have a big game coming up this week and we need the team to be in top shape. My team is counting on me." I was stunned. Jay had never picked his team before. I understood why he was saying it, but it hurt because I knew that he knew I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important.

"No, I understand. Can't let the team down." I told him, trying to keep my own disappointment out of my own voice. Why was everything going so wrong lately? He seemed to sense my disappointment and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, after practice, I'm all yours. We can talk about whatever it is you wanna talk about. As soon as I'm done, I'll come to your room. Promise." I nodded and he ran off. I headed back to my room, knowing full well that Evie would be out for most of the night. I tried to be patient, but minutes turned into hours, and the sun was starting to go down. Tourney practice should have ended a while ago. Maybe Jay just got held up, or wanted to shower so he didn't smell.

I decided to scroll through Facebook, something I occasionally did when I got bored. I shouldn't have. My heart sank as the first thing I saw on my timeline was a picture of Jay with the Tourney team; the picture was taken by Carlos. Below was the caption "Celebrating an awesome practice with pizza. This week's game is looking good for us!"

I don't know why I was surprised anymore. Almost everyone else had let me down, I guess it was Jay's turn. I know how much he loves pizza with the guys, but he promised, and he never breaks his promises. Not to the people he cares about. Where did that put me, then? Was I really less important to Jay than he was to me?

I buried myself under my covers and hid away from the world. Sometime later, I don't know how long, there was a knock at the door.

"Mal!" Jay called. I chose to ignore it. I didn't want to face him right now, and I certainly didn't want to talk to him when he clearly was only here to keep a promise. He didn't care about me. Nobody did.

* * *

_**Carlos and the Cord Stand**_

I hated that I felt like I couldn't turn to most of my friends. I hated that I felt so isolated from everyone, including my boyfriend. The trust that I had spent so long building up here in Auradon was slowly crumbling around me because of the people I believed would be the last ones to ruin it. I trusted my friends, and Ben, more than anyone. If I couldn't count on them, who could I count on? But there was one more person I hadn't tried talking to. One more person who might be able to help.

I knocked on the door and waited. I heard shuffling inside the dorm room and the wooden door creaked open. I looked into the face of Carlos de Vil.

"Hey Mal." He said, opening the door without any hesitation to let me in.

"Thanks." I said nervously as I walked in. I looked around and saw a mess of cords.

"Sorry about the mess. I was trying to rewire a few of my devices to optimize the efficiency of the cord placement, but one cord led to six more and I ended up having to rewire the whole room." He explained, and I smiled seeing the glint in his eye that was always there when he got excited. He was in his element.

"It's no problem, Carlos. I just needed to talk to someone for a bit, you know?" I said, looking around for a chair.

"Yeah, I got you. Give me just a few minutes, and maybe a small hand, and we can talk as much as you want." Carlos promised. I had heard the promise before, but from Carlos it felt genuine. He never promised something he didn't intend to keep.

"Yeah, sure. How can I help?" I asked. We both knew that I knew next to nothing about technology, besides being able to use the smartphone that Ben got me so we could stay in touch more easily.

"Okay, so this is gonna seem really weird, but can you hold your arms out like this?" He asked, demonstrating a T pose position. I nodded and did what he asked. Within minutes, my arms were covered with cords. I let out a short sigh. Apparently I was only useful as a cord stand while he tried to figure out how to organize everything. He said it was helpful because it kept the cords from becoming a tangled clump by all sitting on the floor, but I felt officially defeated.

First I couldn't pay for a date with Ben and had to depend on him...again; then Evie forgot about me; Jay cared more about Tourney than helping me out; and now I was nothing better than an inanimate object to Carlos. I was getting really, really tired of this.

What he had said would only be a few minutes turned into an hour and a half. My arms were exhausted by the time he took the last cord off of my and I was able to put my arms down. He crawled under his desk to plug the last cord in. I heard him muttering something about testing everything to make sure it worked, and didn't wait for him to crawl back out, I just left. There was nothing to help me out here. My last friend had completely forgotten his promise. Everyone had.

* * *

_**The Enchanted Lake**_

I sat on the edge of the cliff, looking over the Enchanted Lake as the moon shone down on it. This is one sight I'd never be able to get over. It was always there. It always had my back. Whenever things were tough, I could always rely on the beauty of the Enchanted Lake in the moonlight to help put things back into perspective.

I thought back on all of the actions of my friends, and Ben. Each one, alone, meant nothing more than a disappointment that I could have bounced back from. But when it happened across the board, it was a trend. And there was only one unifying factor in the pattern that I could find. Me. I expected too much. I made my friends' lives more difficult by demanding their time. I put the financial burden on Ben because starting life on the Isle of the Lost put me in a perpetual cycle of poverty I'd never be able to escape without accepting that Ben was our sole financial support (something I refused to do). And I was the one who made my friends miserable. I was the one who made them either look right through me or only see me as an inanimate object.

And it went back further than that. Like I said, it wasn't just my friends. It was my mother, who only ever saw me as the future ultimate evil, never as a daughter. It was the residents of the Isle who only saw me as either a conquest or a terror. It was Chad and Audrey, who never gave me a chance because of my mother, another factor in my life I couldn't control. It was every citizen of Auradon who thought the same way Chad and Audrey did (those two had to learn it from somewhere). It was Belle fainting when Ben introduced me as his girlfriend. It was every little thing piled one on top of the other until I couldn't take it anymore.

Was my thinking selfish? Maybe it was, but it was all I could think about. I love my friends, I really do. And that's why I came here tonight. I refused to keep being a burden on them. I had to see this sight one last time before I left them. It was late, and Evie was sound asleep when I left. She'd find my message tomorrow, but by then I'd be long gone.

"Mal!" I heard someone shout from the woods behind me. Who would be looking for me at this time of the night? Every rational person was asleep.

"Mal, where are you?" They shouted again. I shook my head. It was a test - it was always a test. This time the test was my mind, testing my determination to leave. If I was swayed by the voices I so desperately wanted to hear, I was too weak to make this journey. And I, Mal Bertha, was anything but weak. I had been strong for so long, this was the ultimate act of strength. Taking myself out of the equation cause it was best for Ben, best for my friends, and best for Auradon.

"Mal!" A different voice shouted, from a different direction, this time to my right, somewhere lower than the cliff. I could stay. Maybe it would all work itself out. I hadn't quite exhausted all of my resources. But would I? And what happened then? Did I really want to wait for that moment when I didn't have a leg to stand on to try and leave?

"Mal, please." The voice from behind me was now right behind me. My breath caught. Was it too late?

"Ben, please go. I have to do this." I said, not sure if he was actually there or if it was a hallucination.

"No, Mal, you don't. There are other ways. Remember what I told you? We get to choose who we are. Is this really who you want to be? How you want to go?"

"I don't have a choice, Ben. I can't keep being a burden on all of you." I felt a tear form in the corner of my eye and wiped it away. I refused to show any more weakness than I already had.

"Who said you're a burden, Mal? Cause I know it wasn't any of us. We love you, Mal. Carlos, Evie, Jay, and me. We all love you so much more than we can say. So please, Mal. Stay."

"I can't, Ben. I'm not strong enough."

"Then let me help. Let all of us help. I know we've all been super busy, and I know that you've been in the middle of everyone's hatred since coming to Auradon, and I especially know how much your pride was hurt because of our date. I know how badly you want to be independent, but independent doesn't mean doing everything alone. It also means knowing when to ask for help. Let us help you, Mal."

Could he be right? Could I have been wrong this whole time. I squeezed my hands into fists, trying to get some kind of focus back, when I felt something I hadn't even realized I was still wearing. I looked down at the index finger of my right hand and realized that Ben's ring was still there. Why didn't I leave that back in my room? I had planned to. It'd have been one less connection between me and everything. And it'd have made it easier for him to give it to someone else. Someone who deserved him and could be the support he needed.

By the time I noticed the ring, Evie, Carlos, and Jay had caught up with Ben, though I could hear they had kept a little further back.

"What if I can't, Ben? What if I'm too far gone?"

"If you were too far gone, you wouldn't still be talking to me. You wouldn't still be wearing my ring. You're in a bad place right now, Mal, and I understand that. But I know you, and I know there's still a part of you that wants to stay."

"How can I face everyone?" Ben would know what I was really asking, because I knew that nobody else knew the five of us were out here.

"We don't think any less of you, Mal. We all came out here because we care about you. We want you to stay."

I looked back down at the crystal clear water, glowing in the light of the full moon. Could it really be that easy? Just...go back to my room and act like nothing happened? I don't know if I could. But now that I talked to Ben, could I leave? I don't know.

"Okay." I said before I knew what my mouth was doing. I heard Ben take a step forward and I slightly tensed.

"Okay." It was all he said. He was letting me guide how this went. I slid back from the cliff I was still sitting on. I didn't want to worry him by trying to stand. After I slid back a little more, he wrapped his arms around me. He didn't say anything, nor did I. He picked me up and carried me back to my friends; I normally would have argued, but I didn't think I had the strength to physically support myself at that moment. I was quickly wrapped in a group hug.

* * *

"And where do you five think you've been?" We all heard just as we were about to make it back to our dorms without hassle. We all turned to face the fury that was Fairy Godmother who caught students out past curfew.

"Fairy Godmother, let me explain." Ben said, stepping forward. I grabbed his arm and shook my head when he looked at me. I stepped forward.

"It's my fault, Fairy Godmother. I was...not in a good place and went to clear my head. My friends found out and came to support me and help me. If you're going to punish anyone, only punish me. They wouldn't have been out if it wasn't for me." Everyone tried to raise an argument, but I gave them all the glare that meant there was to be no discussion. I wasn't going to let them all get in trouble just because of me.

"Mal, I'm very disappointed in you. You know the rules about the curfew." I simply nodded. "We'll discuss your punishment tomorrow. For now, all of you get back to your rooms." She dismissed us and we all ran. Ben kissed me goodnight and both Jay and Carlos hugged me tight. I could tell neither of them wanted to let go, for fear I tried to leave again.

Evie had our door open and I walked in, collapsing on my bed. I heard the crinkle of paper and reached under me to get whatever was there. I recognized it immediately. It was the note, the message, I had left for everyone. The last words I had expected to say to any of them before I left for good. Yet I was back. I crumpled up the paper and used a safe spell to incinerate it. Nothing else would be harmed, but I didn't want to keep the evidence of what I had almost done. I opened our window and tossed the ash fragments to the wind.

I still wasn't in a good place. It would probably be a while before I was in a good place again. Too much had happened to me for me to just snap my fingers and be happy. And that's okay. Because I'm not alone on this difficult journey. I have Ben, and Evie, and Jay, and Carlos. They all had apologized for making me feel like I couldn't trust them. They all pinky promised to do better in the future. Not that I would hold them to it strictly. I understood they have their own lives and can't just drop everything because I ask them to. But they all understood where I was coming from. They all knew how messed up I was. And they continued to love me and want to help me. It may take a long while, but I knew I'd be okay. I knew I didn't want to leave anymore.

* * *

**So as you may have guessed, I'm not a huge fluff writer. I can include bits of fluff, but I like a little drama and, to be honest, a lot of my writing helps explore different deeper ideas both to help myself and to hopefully help others. As always, reviews are appreciated, both praise and criticism as long as any criticism is constructive!**


End file.
